Laugh Louder , Live Longer

• Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching
  Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's
  name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they
  stood at the counter, one tourist asked the receptionist, "Before we
  order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please
  pronounce where we are... very slowly?
  The receptionist leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr,
  Kiiiing."
  

• A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."

• A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
  "You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
  The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

• Patient: "Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do? "Dentist: "Wear a brown tie..."

• We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer, but lost one and became a conductor.

• "Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician." "No son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both."

• The frightened tourist: "Are there any bats in this cave?"The guide: "There were, but don't worry, the snakes ate all of them."

• Artist Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new chateau. The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

• Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!

• A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat."Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?""What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

• Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"1st customer: "I'll have tea."2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!" (Waiter exits, returns)Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"

• Customer: Give me a hot dog.Waiter: With pleasure.Customer: No, with mustard.

• What is Mind? No Matter.What is Body? Never Mind.

• "Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade.""Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?""Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

• "Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?""Yes, of course...""Great! I never could before!"

• Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

• "Dad, can you write in the dark?""I think so. What is it you want me to write?""Your name on this report card."

• Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"Sam: "I don’t know."Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"

• Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"

• Teacher: How do you spell "dog"? Pupil: d, o, g, enter.